Flashback to another time and place. I have mentioned that I recently moved here and that I was somewhere else over last summer. I wanted to tell you about it. First, let me say that the people who allowed me to live on their driveway in an ugly monstrous RV and let my kids have a nice pasture to themselves are incredibly kind-hearted, giving and wonderful. When I first arrived, I was told that as Natural Horsemanship students, they were looking forward to having me there and we could all learn together. That sounded great to me. We started making plans to watch DVD's each morning over breakfast. Luckily, I watch DVD's repeatedly and as a general rule do not watch something new with other people, as I don't like to be interrupted. And boy could these folks interrupt... with nonsense. Again, very kind people, but somewhat oblivious at how to read horses and not a lick of savvy between the two of them. It was very fortunate for them both that their horses were laid back LBI's, mostly. One was not, but as a young filly surrounded by the others, everyone could survive another day.
It was not until I saw, let's call her Beth, work with the young filly, who was just turning 3 that year, that I thought, “Oh my God... what are you doing?” Initially, I thought we would watch a Natural Horsemanship DVD and then go out and... you know... DO something with it... involving an actual horse. I seemed to be alone in that. Each morning, I went out to see my kids and often would get one out and take it for a walk. As I said earlier, they were not yet going under saddle, but there was so much to do online. My Gypsy Cob, India, had already been in many parades and had seen loads of stuff, but not my Fell Pony, Harcala. So, I would put a halter on him and we would go walking down the road. We would sometimes come upon cars or trucks and I would let him stop and watch them go by. We would often take grazing breaks on the side of the road. He was not happy about leaving India, did not see me as a leader, did not think this was cool, and would much rather be home. But we took his thresholds one at a time.
At the beginning, we just went to the end of the driveway, and that was enough for both of us. But as time went on, he became more curious about what was out there and more confident that I was not going to feed him to a truck. The couple that owned the place often had workers doing things like re-roofing the house, and I went and got Harcala and we hung out on the lawn while that was going on.
It seemed I was the only one actually doing anything with an actual horse and after a short while the DVD over breakfast became just me, in the RV, alone. And that was OK. I started driving my kids that summer, around the outskirts of the property. We went past a scary garden, a monster tree, the other horses, the house... as often as we could. And while I did that, the owners/couple were out in their pastures with a wheelbarrow and pitchforks picking up poop... every day.
I suggested that they would be doing a service to the ecology to drag the fields, but they said that was too much work. I had trouble with how much work they found for themselves, while spending very little time with the horses. We had a Natural Horsemanship higher level student coming out each week and giving us some lessons. And each time, the lady of the couple would go through torture trying to get her 3 year old away from her mom... whom she had never been away from in her life except to go to a driving school... which she did, but never did anything since coming home. Their schedule was to feed the horses (draft horses) oats each morning, then outside. The two mares in one pasture and the two geldings in another, and the two mini-donkeys wherever they were to be that day. And every single one of them was a safety risk.
The couple tried to get the halters off before dragged away. In fact, when I first arrived, they just left halters on. The Natural Horsemanship coach/student we had helped them to see that was not a good idea. They expressed discomfort with the possibility of not being able to catch the horses later that night to come in. It seemed clear there were bigger issues here.
The very nice people seemed surprised that when my kids saw me, they stopped what they were doing and came to me with purpose. Often they would trot or canter to me, depending on where in the field they were. I would suggest watching a section of the Natural Horsemanship DVDs where they discuss not boring your horse and keeping things fresh. They thought that was a good idea, but never did anything with it. I would drop hints about my kids getting to go out and do things, and they said their horses didn't want to leave and became loud and pushy (remember they are drafts). And so... they did nothing. Everybody stayed in their comfort zone. Each night, no matter what, all the horses (except mine) and donkeys came inside and had a stall of their own.
Each morning, early, I would awaken to kicking of stall walls, sloshing of water buckets, neighing... basically bored horses. I suggested that the weather was perfect, perhaps they could just stay out. That would save on having to pick out the stalls each day, too. "But... they always come inside... they are used to it." I suggested that they could easily get used to something else, but this was the way they always did things.
So, our Natural Horsemanship coach would come out once a week, and do her best to help these very kind people with their horses, who hadn't been touched since the last visit, except to go out and come back in.
At least they didn't wear their halters all day anymore.
I was out in the barn one morning while feeding was going on, and saw that the horses were fed in the far corner from the stall door. I asked why, and was told that as the horses had a little door inside the main door, with which they could poke their head out, that they drop hay into the aisle if their food is there. I suggested... closing the door. I suggested that dealing with a horse that already has respect and boundary issues and who has his butt towards you as you walk in, is asking for trouble. But, "they were used to it," and the couple didn't want to make any changes to what the horses knew.
I was also there when the horses were taken out to pasture. Gates were opened to the outside and then stall doors opened, one at a time, of course. On one day, I don't remember the reason, but clearly it was something new, a change even if temporary, and the horses had to be haltered and brought out. They were already coming through the door, right over the top of the nice lady, who didn't even have the door all the way open. I was close enough to throw my hands up and shock the horse into backing off. I then suggested that the horses needed more on-line work. At the very least, they needed to be walked out to pasture. The couple looked worried and I volunteered to do it. I then called our Natural Horsemanship coach and she gave several suggestions and said to have the 9 and the 1 already punched into the phone. I got the more troubled horse haltered and picked up my carrot stick and began to leave the stall. She charged the door and we stopped and began again. Each time she began to charge, we stopped and started again. It took about 10 minutes (and many Phase fours without any preamble) to get from her stall out to pasture, a total of about 30 feet. And the next day, we did it again... several minutes faster. In all honesty, I had no business trying to work with these horses. The couple should have sought out a pro... but I was all they had. I suggested that the horses not have a “I'm first, then this horse gets to go out,” type of pattern. We should switch it up.
Some of my suggestions were well-received, and some were left. With each passing week, I made fewer suggestions, even as couched as they had been. I watched as they spent a couple hours each day picking up poop, getting feed ready for the next chow-time, mowing the lawns, mowing the fields, and just generally filling their day with everything but the actual horse. They watched RFD TV and told me about some new guru who did some amazing thing with their horse. At first, I suggested they just throw themselves into the system they already had, and was actually concerned that other ideas might impede their progress. But I finally realized that they were simply not progressing. If they want to fill their day with stuff and look like they are doing something when they are not... as long as the horses are fed... this is not my project. And I don't want it to be my project. As wonderful as these people are, I am not going to spend my time trying to help people who don't feel they need help. I am not a martyr. I am not an authority on “this is how it must be done.”I have no interest in becoming a Natural Horsemanship professional and training people's horses. I have more of an interest in helping people change themselves.
There was a time when I did get a bit... what is the politically correct word for... rhymes with itchy, starts with a B. But that's what I was. The guy of the couple had asked a neighbor, not at ALL natural, but well-meaning, to come over to help him teach his horse to drive, I guess. I cannot imagine what his goal was, but I wanted no part of it. They saddled up the big sweet green-broke draft gelding and headed out with a tire and a rope. I left.
A while later, near my chore time I headed back into the arena to find, let's call him “Don,” unsaddling the horse with his friend. They laughed and said I had missed the rodeo. They went on to tell me how the horse took off, bucked, nearly went through the fence etc but everything is fine now because they re-rigged the tire to the saddle and this time he didn't win, so he learned. My karma suffered a bit that day. I looked at the horse, one of the SWEETEST horses you can imagine and my heart just broke to see him. How much fear he must have had for him to be bucking? What must he have felt to go so right brain and nearly break through a fence? And what the hell were these two idiots trying to accomplish? The horse had his head down, body damp from sweat, ears stiff... all signs that are talked about on the DVD's, not to mention the very idea of moving too far too fast. Was I the only one that had even heard of Natural in that barn?
I was ticked off, and began to walk away. Don asked if there was something wrong and I spat out, “look at him and ask me that question.” he said, “he is quiet,” and I said, “he is not here.”
The discussion got a bit livelier as I crossed the line of “friendly person who lives on our driveway for free,” to “pissed off do-gooder, whom you have made the mistake of bringing into your conversation.” The neighbor became quiet and when I had finished, the two men stood there and I left to go hug my kids. About an hour later, Don came to find me and said he had given it some thought and he was sorry. I said I was not the one he needed to apologize to. He said he had already apologized to the horse. He asked me what he should have done instead and I said, “Dude... that's what the system is for. I am not a trainer or clinician... but you have all the same DVD's and papers I do. It is all there. You just need to take the time.. do it right.”
When I packed up my Fell Pony and Gypsy cob to leave, I was still very grateful for the place to live, for my kids being with me, and for the opportunity I had to throw myself into the system for a couple months. They are wonderful, well-meaning, caring people. Not a lick of savvy between the two of them, but with luck, nobody will get seriously hurt. But I had to move on and live my own life. I am not their mentor or guide in this life. Everybody has their own path. I was happy to learn that Don had found a natural horsemanship trainer, whom I had known for years, to do some work with his horse and to give him lessons on that horse. I hoped everything went well, and I left to live my own life.
My point in all this? Am I saying I know far more than these people do? Am I making the point that these people simply were not worth of my time? No. I am making the point that we all have our own paths and there are aspects of mine that Don and Beth are probably much more advanced than I am. I am not better or worse than they are. They are wonderful human beings. They mean well and do the best they can, just like the rest of us. And we are responsible for ourselves, not everybody else. If they ask for our help, we do the best we can. We help them find help if we cannot do it ourselves. But ultimately, we are responsible for ourselves and you have to know when to walk away. And as the song goes, you have to know when to run.
We all have people in our lives whom we would be better off without. We cannot save them and it isn't our job to. And there are times when you cut those ties, hope for the best for them, but push on with your own life. It was through this experience that it became clear to me when I was making my list of needs and wants sitting in the desert of Arizona trying to find a home, that I wanted to be around people who were really serious about the study and practice of Natural Horsemanship. That is not to say it is a better place than the place I spent my summer, it is just better for me. But without that summer experience, I wouldn't know what it was that I really wanted. And I wouldn't have learned that the world's problems are not my problems and I just do the best I can with what I've got.
More later.
Check out my blog, The Healthy Horseman.